From parenting to management (5): Saying yes or saying no

From parenting …

We have the patter of tiny feet here in the house – not another child, but a hamster in its cage. After four months of sustained lobbying, which convinced us that our daughter would bring the commitment to care for a pet, I gave in and we bought her one for her birthday.

Gave in? On one level it does feel like surrender. I object to inviting more clutter into my life – bedding, food, the smells, and what feels a burdensome task of making a relationship with Isabelle. I resent too that I have participated in an industry which has called this animal into existence with all the associated use of earth’s resources.

And yet, we already see how much pleasure our daughter gets from looking after Isabelle; and we are confident that she will learn from the experience of her responsibilities. It is a chance for her to further her own development.

To management …

How often must managers agree to something to which they only have partial commitment? We might see the benefit to staff or even to the wider organisation, but also too clearly our own personal inconvenience. Examples might include: releasing staff to go on training courses or personal development initiatives; signing up to a Cycle-to-Work scheme; funding an annual staff party; or adapting the running of the office to mitigate climate change.

In all cases, there is a bigger picture – or perhaps more accurately, competing pictures. Short-term disruption against potential long-term gain. Immediate deadlines against strengthening staff morale. Use of resources against increased capacity.

The challenge for the awake manager is to choose between the “big pictures” which confront them. In my own experience, it is difficult sometimes to know how to place a value on immediate outcomes and potential outcomes. But when I was a manager, and I started from preferring my own convenience, or the wish solely to avoid extra trouble or decisions, then I was in danger of not exercising my responsibilities properly.

From parenting to management (4): Doing what my parents did

From parenting…

It must be one of the commonest experiences amongst parents, to catch yourself saying or behaving as your parents did; and then comes the refrain: “I sound just like my mother/father…”.

Sometimes my parents did pretty neat things. Other times they didn’t, though of course how much I contributed to the situation is open to debate!

My practice of parenting has a lot to do with how I was parented. I may do the same as my parents, or the exact opposite; either may be appropriate, so long as I act awarely and with choice.

So when I’m angry, or stressed, or tired, that’s when the autopilot is ready to kick in, to make me act without awareness – and that usually means acting without a thought for how I might do it better.

… to management:

Do you remember your first manager? Or the first time you noticed a manager in action, so that you could see beyond the consequences of their actions to actually observing their techniques, their values, their opinion of those they managed?

The experience of being managed is very different from the years-long process of being brought up and the complex emotional relationship that builds up between parents and children.

Nevertheless, I believe that what we learn from managers – especially when we’re new to the experience of being managed – does have the potential to become ‘hardwired’ into us; that if we are lucky to be managed early on in our career by a good manager, we are more likely to carry forward good qualities into our own managerial practice. What’s your experience?

From parenting to management (3): seeing the future

From parenting …

Some of the more unsettling moments as a parent are when I’ve looked into my child’s face and seen what they might look like ten years or more in the future.

Have you ever had that too? It’s as though a window of insight has opened, and I’m seeing the shape of their face, or an expression, which will in time become very familiar.

Though the surprise of seeing them in the future is odd, what’s most unsettling is the accompanying shock of recognition, as if I was expecting what I’m only now just seeing.

I find I’m saying to myself, “Oh, so that’s what s/he’ll look like then”. The shock is of something apparently already known but only now being confirmed.

And then the window closes, and we move on: the child unaware, and me busy recovering and reordering my internal resources!

… to management:

Managers – especially when they are responsible for bringing changes about – need to have a vision of the future. It may be intangible, or incomplete; but they know inside them what needs to be different and how the new order ought to be.

Between the vision and the new reality is the change process. And whereas my insight into my child’s future appearance is strictly for my own internal reflection, within organisations if you’re implementing change then your job is to articulate the vision of the future as often as you can. Clearly, consistently, and frequently. It’s like the promised land: if we keep going, and keep acting to get there, we’ll get there – or somewhere just as useful.

But first there is the vision; an unvisited insight, perhaps, or one worked towards through an awayday or strategic planning exercise. “Oh, so that’s what we can be like. So now, what do I do first to get us towards there?”

From parenting to management (2): The five unspoken requests

The five unspoken requests

From parenting …

• Even if you disagree with me, don’t make me wrong
• Hear and understand me
• Tell me the truth, with compassion
• Remember to look for my loving intentions
• Acknowledge the greatness within me

After an argument with my children, and once I’m calm again, I remember that I’ve seen these unspoken truths in their eyes. I wish I could notice that I see them whilst still in the heat of the argument – for if I did, the argument would end instantly. My angry behaviour would change into far more effective action – even if I still remain angry.

The requests are unspoken because of the child’s powerlessness makes them unsayable, or because the child doesn’t have knowledge or language to speak them. But most importantly, they are unheard because my anger blinds my eyes and blocks my ears.

Children don’t always have loving intentions. They don’t always want to hear the truth. And they may be far from wanting to show the greatness inside them.

And yet I am humbled by these five requests. They are a call to parental action: to listen, to act with compassion, and to be creative in responding to conflict.

To management …

Staff often don’t have loving intentions. They’re here to do a job, after all. As their manager, why should I not judge right and wrong, or what is acceptable behaviour? What role has compassion in the workplace? – give them their targets and the means to achieve them, and wait for the results. And whoever heard of acknowledging their greatness?

And yet. And yet. These requests do translate into the workplace. Joe Jackson may have said “Once you clock in, you’ll take any shit”[1], and yet it is becoming more mainstream to value workforce development as a legitimate business aim. If staff feel valued, are encouraged to speak their doubts or criticisms, and if work is a place where they can grow personally and professionally, you’re more likely to have a healthy as well as more effective workplace.

So try ‘hearing’ these unspoken requests from your staff. You don’t have to tell them you’ve heard them. But act as if they’ve been spoken. Your staff may never know what they got from you; but they will feel that they have been heard.

Unspoken request:	Manager’s example responses:
Even if you disagree with me, don’t make me wrong	“This is what I need you to change…” [rather than, "You're no good at..."]
Hear and understand me	“What is it you’re wanting to tell me?”  Or, “What is it that I’m not understanding?”
Tell me the truth, with compassion	“This is the bigger picture you need to understand…”
Remember to look for my loving intentions	“I know what you were trying to achieve, even though the effect has been…”
Acknowledge the greatness within me	“Where do you see this project taking you?

---

[1] “Friday”, from Joe Jackson’s album I’m the Man

From parenting to management

Since the birth of my children, a process which began shortly after I went freelance and joined Framework, I have noticed a strong link between parenting and management. When I watch or engage with my children, I often add to my learning about what it means to be a manager.

See what I mean by the example below. You can also click the “From Parenting to Management” tag on the right to see other postings in this thread; and do let me know if this theme connects to your own work, or if you meet other examples of the cross-over from parenting to management.

From parenting …

I find, not surprisingly, that I can’t do my children’s learning for them. I may know the answer, but giving it to them changes nothing. They need to discover it for themselves, to own it for themselves, and to want to have it as their solution.

Giving them the answer might mean I finish the task or the game quicker on their behalf, but it won’t change anything.

… to management.

Doing the change for staff is no change. Next time you risk them getting stuck in the same place. And they might also have learnt two unhelpful things: that they can’t do it on their own – and that you are the one that showed them so.

Better is a process to help them learn. Explain what you want to happen; demonstrate or get them started if you need to; let them try – with supervision, if a mistake would have serious external repercussions; then back off but continue to notice and encourage when you see them doing it right.

‘Just’ good delegation, maybe; but also a step in your journey of learning together.